Thursday, January 31, 2008
News: Twatsl is moving
I have been hired by A Writing Guild For The Clinically Retarded and my new place will be The World According To Snake Logan. My boss is the one who writes in The Cobnat Inquiry.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Review: Star Wars Battlefront 2
Introduction
This review is objectively told through the eyes of a Galactic Stormtrooper and their holy struggle to crush the evil Rebel Alliance.
Gameplay
As an ordinary Stormtrooper you can roll, run and jump. As a Jet trooper you can fly around a bit. As a hero who posses the force you can jump really high and run really fast.
Characters
IC-4769
IC-4769, or Fred as his mates call him, is a renowned hero of the Galactic Empire. He once fired and actually hit a target. That single heroic act made him a Fleet Commander but he dresses as a private so as to appease the cannon fodder… I mean ordinary Stormtrooper.
PT-1337
He carries around a big bazooka to compensate for the lack of personality. Despite that, he would shoot an enemy tree if it meant to save the life of his friend.
JC-2000
With that rifle he can hit a stationary can from twenty metres away. No kidding!
BK-2468
An engineer with the heart of gold. He fixes AT-AT’s and AT-ST’s for next to nothing. He is somewhat corrupt but who in a professional army headed by a sadistic old Emperor isn’t?
Enemies
Rebeli Scumii
Your classic rebel soldier. Cold, ruthless and corrupt. If they had served the Galactic Empire then maybe you could have been friends.
Mitch Bazooka
He carries around a big bazooka to compensate for the lack of armour.
Muchius Sexius
Don’t get distracted by this one, she will not give you a chance to pull yourself together. As soon as you see her, shoot like mad with whatever weapon you have and then you have about a second to look at her before she disintegrates.
John/Jane
The mysterious of all the enemies. Mysterious in the way you don’t know whether this person is a man, woman or a Wookie. Well I guess you kind of know its not a woman but it can still be a Wookie.
Storyline
There is an actual storyline to this game but I’ll be damned if I know what it is.
Events
Several noble heroes from the Galactic Empire storm the enemy defences with artillery cover. The officers, dressed in black, were so enthusiastic that they gave off a red glow.
Conclusion
If you like Star Wars or any of the Battlefield games then you will love Star Wars Battlefront 2.
This review is objectively told through the eyes of a Galactic Stormtrooper and their holy struggle to crush the evil Rebel Alliance.
Gameplay
As an ordinary Stormtrooper you can roll, run and jump. As a Jet trooper you can fly around a bit. As a hero who posses the force you can jump really high and run really fast.
Characters
IC-4769
IC-4769, or Fred as his mates call him, is a renowned hero of the Galactic Empire. He once fired and actually hit a target. That single heroic act made him a Fleet Commander but he dresses as a private so as to appease the cannon fodder… I mean ordinary Stormtrooper.
PT-1337
He carries around a big bazooka to compensate for the lack of personality. Despite that, he would shoot an enemy tree if it meant to save the life of his friend.
JC-2000
With that rifle he can hit a stationary can from twenty metres away. No kidding!
BK-2468
An engineer with the heart of gold. He fixes AT-AT’s and AT-ST’s for next to nothing. He is somewhat corrupt but who in a professional army headed by a sadistic old Emperor isn’t?
Enemies
Rebeli Scumii
Your classic rebel soldier. Cold, ruthless and corrupt. If they had served the Galactic Empire then maybe you could have been friends.
Mitch Bazooka
He carries around a big bazooka to compensate for the lack of armour.
Muchius Sexius
Don’t get distracted by this one, she will not give you a chance to pull yourself together. As soon as you see her, shoot like mad with whatever weapon you have and then you have about a second to look at her before she disintegrates.
John/Jane
The mysterious of all the enemies. Mysterious in the way you don’t know whether this person is a man, woman or a Wookie. Well I guess you kind of know its not a woman but it can still be a Wookie.
Storyline
There is an actual storyline to this game but I’ll be damned if I know what it is.
Events
Several noble heroes from the Galactic Empire storm the enemy defences with artillery cover. The officers, dressed in black, were so enthusiastic that they gave off a red glow.
Conclusion
If you like Star Wars or any of the Battlefield games then you will love Star Wars Battlefront 2.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Poem: Yahtzee Tribute
This is a tribute to Yahtzee and to his first meaningful game, 5 Days a Stranger.
Oh Yahtzee,
Can’t you see,
We are mad about thee,
And its not just me,
You have fans,
At least three,
You are influential,
You have great potential,
But don’t let it go to your head,
Or just like A.J,
You will wind up dead.
Oh Yahtzee,
Can’t you see,
We are mad about thee,
And its not just me,
You have fans,
At least three,
You are influential,
You have great potential,
But don’t let it go to your head,
Or just like A.J,
You will wind up dead.
Story: Tomorrow’s Heroes
On my tenth birthday I was taken away to become a hero in the Emperor’s Guard. During my 20 year training, I learnt that the Emperor’s Guard, officially known as the 1st Division of the 1st Army, came into existents shortly after the War of National Sovereignty, which is an extension of the War of National Liberation. We were never taught what happened before the War of National Liberation. All we know is that one side emerged victories with no rivals within the nation, that side was the Emperor’s Army. Officially the Emperor’s Army was known as the 1st Army with the 2nd Army and 3rd Army as its rivals. The armies were united when they fought against the foreign forces during the War of National Sovereignty but the 3rd Army revolted against the 1st Army after the Emperor decided to make extensive incursions into enemy territory after the foreign forces had left. The 1st Army and 2nd Army united and destroyed the 3rd Army in 17 major battles now known as the 3rd Army Rebellion. The 3rd Army Rebellion lasted less then half a year but left hundreds of thousands of people dead. The War of National Liberation ended in 2012. The War of National Sovereignty ended in 2019. The 3rd Army Rebellion ended in 2020. I was born in 2040.
I am third generation Emperor’s Guard and so my name is C-446. My teacher was B-8217, she was second generation. The training for the Emperor’s Guard is in three stages. First the new recruit is taken from the state schools on new years eve when they reach 10 years of age. For the next 10 years they are trained by a single teacher each. After reaching 20 years of the age the student now becomes a teacher and is given a student of the opposite gender to train. After reaching 30 years of age the teacher is now trained in the latest weaponry. After this age they are sent to training camps and constantly train their bodies and minds until they are called into action or there is new development in weapon technology that they must relearn.
There are around ten thousand teachers and ten thousand students. First and second stage training includes constant workouts and exercises. Normal rations include soup at dawn, meat and bread in the afternoon, fruits and vegetables at dusk. Every teacher and student is given a two litre flask which they must share, they fill the flask with water at the beginning of each day at several outside water pumps. Everyone wears the same thing, a long thin shirt that stretches down to our knees. All food and clothing is given to us by the outside. Our training area is a large field surrounded by forest. Our living area is a building that contains 5 levels, each level containing 100 cells. Each cells has a double bunk bed. Each cell is specifically designated for a teacher and their student. Sexual interaction between teacher and student is encouraged when the student reaches fifteen years of age. Female teachers and students are given birth control pills every morning to avoid any pregnancy burden that might befall their training. The purpose of sexual interaction is so that the teacher and student form a stronger emotional bond so that when the teacher moves onto the third stage of training, the student becomes emotionally devastated. The purpose of emotional devastation is so that the former student fights through the emotional burden and thus becomes emotionally stronger.
Every morning the teacher and student would engage in an exercise known as rag training. Both teach and student would be given a wooden sword that would be put in whichever hand they feel most comfortable with. The other hand would be tied in a rag that is also connected to the other person. They battle until one of them falls unconscious, early on in the training it would the student who becomes unconscious. The teacher would train the student in endurance and dexterity this way. At the end of each day, the teachers would pit students to fight against one another for the sake of honour and respect. If a student loses the battle then both the teacher and the student are not given their rations the next day. If they do win, they are given the loser’s rations.
Sometimes teachers fight in these matches, usually to teach the students some techniques. Every time a match between students or a match between teachers is had, the battles are reviewed afterwards by the spectators and by the participants. “Learn from your mistakes and that of others” is what we were constantly told. Even after our training is complete, we learn what we can from enemies during warfare and incorporate their tactics into our daily training regiment when the battle is over. Everyday we thank the Emperor for giving us another day of life. We feel blessed when we survive the day for it shows that we are worthy of life.
It doesn’t matter if we die because every year five hundred Emperor’s Guards finish their training. Each one of them worth a thousand enemy soldiers, regardless of who we face in battle. There is not many wars these day and the Emperor’s Guard is usually used to put down bandits who have crossed the border or to put down a revolt. Still, when there is a war the Emperor’s Guard is an invaluable tool to our great nation and to the war effort. I have fought in many battles to serve the Emperor. The Emperor sometimes comes to inspect our column. He is an old man but he is quite tall and very well built. He was the one who masterminded our success in the War of National Liberation, the War of National Sovereignty and the 3rd Army Rebellion. He was the one who created the Emperor’s Guard. Not only is he a great strategist but also a great politician and economist. He helped our great nation out of the depression caused by the wars. For him, our lives as a sacrifice is still not enough. Without him, we would be slaves for the foreign forces. He continues to work tirelessly in order to maintain our great nation. His job will be given to his daughter the Princess when he dies. I hope he outlives me but I am concerned, his health has been failing lately.
Today is the 21st of July, 2075.
I am third generation Emperor’s Guard and so my name is C-446. My teacher was B-8217, she was second generation. The training for the Emperor’s Guard is in three stages. First the new recruit is taken from the state schools on new years eve when they reach 10 years of age. For the next 10 years they are trained by a single teacher each. After reaching 20 years of the age the student now becomes a teacher and is given a student of the opposite gender to train. After reaching 30 years of age the teacher is now trained in the latest weaponry. After this age they are sent to training camps and constantly train their bodies and minds until they are called into action or there is new development in weapon technology that they must relearn.
There are around ten thousand teachers and ten thousand students. First and second stage training includes constant workouts and exercises. Normal rations include soup at dawn, meat and bread in the afternoon, fruits and vegetables at dusk. Every teacher and student is given a two litre flask which they must share, they fill the flask with water at the beginning of each day at several outside water pumps. Everyone wears the same thing, a long thin shirt that stretches down to our knees. All food and clothing is given to us by the outside. Our training area is a large field surrounded by forest. Our living area is a building that contains 5 levels, each level containing 100 cells. Each cells has a double bunk bed. Each cell is specifically designated for a teacher and their student. Sexual interaction between teacher and student is encouraged when the student reaches fifteen years of age. Female teachers and students are given birth control pills every morning to avoid any pregnancy burden that might befall their training. The purpose of sexual interaction is so that the teacher and student form a stronger emotional bond so that when the teacher moves onto the third stage of training, the student becomes emotionally devastated. The purpose of emotional devastation is so that the former student fights through the emotional burden and thus becomes emotionally stronger.
Every morning the teacher and student would engage in an exercise known as rag training. Both teach and student would be given a wooden sword that would be put in whichever hand they feel most comfortable with. The other hand would be tied in a rag that is also connected to the other person. They battle until one of them falls unconscious, early on in the training it would the student who becomes unconscious. The teacher would train the student in endurance and dexterity this way. At the end of each day, the teachers would pit students to fight against one another for the sake of honour and respect. If a student loses the battle then both the teacher and the student are not given their rations the next day. If they do win, they are given the loser’s rations.
Sometimes teachers fight in these matches, usually to teach the students some techniques. Every time a match between students or a match between teachers is had, the battles are reviewed afterwards by the spectators and by the participants. “Learn from your mistakes and that of others” is what we were constantly told. Even after our training is complete, we learn what we can from enemies during warfare and incorporate their tactics into our daily training regiment when the battle is over. Everyday we thank the Emperor for giving us another day of life. We feel blessed when we survive the day for it shows that we are worthy of life.
It doesn’t matter if we die because every year five hundred Emperor’s Guards finish their training. Each one of them worth a thousand enemy soldiers, regardless of who we face in battle. There is not many wars these day and the Emperor’s Guard is usually used to put down bandits who have crossed the border or to put down a revolt. Still, when there is a war the Emperor’s Guard is an invaluable tool to our great nation and to the war effort. I have fought in many battles to serve the Emperor. The Emperor sometimes comes to inspect our column. He is an old man but he is quite tall and very well built. He was the one who masterminded our success in the War of National Liberation, the War of National Sovereignty and the 3rd Army Rebellion. He was the one who created the Emperor’s Guard. Not only is he a great strategist but also a great politician and economist. He helped our great nation out of the depression caused by the wars. For him, our lives as a sacrifice is still not enough. Without him, we would be slaves for the foreign forces. He continues to work tirelessly in order to maintain our great nation. His job will be given to his daughter the Princess when he dies. I hope he outlives me but I am concerned, his health has been failing lately.
Today is the 21st of July, 2075.
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